I was that deer for 19 hours a few weeks ago. It was a perfectly nice day. I came home and saw a business card stuck in my screen door. "Hmmm, must be a landscaper telling me my Mexican Bird of Paradise is getting out of hand."

I casually picked up the card and, "gah!" It was from the Sheriff's department! A case number was scrawled on the card along with a request to call immediately.

I was six years old again standing outside my Father's church office trying desperately to remember all the sins that could have precipitated this meeting. Like then, I couldn't remember anything egregious enough that would summon the authorities to my door.

I called immediately. I figured I may as well find out right away and they already knew where I lived. It was 3:53 PM. A voice message informed me that this particular Deputy goes home at 4 PM. I was pretty much out of luck until the morning. Sigh.

I did what anyone would do. Called my friends in Law Enforcement to find out what this could be. They reassured me that it couldn't be all that serious if the Sheriff left a business card instead of waiting for me in the bushes. Small reassurance. One said, "Hey, don't worry about it. Someone is probably just suing you for something you said."

Oh. Good. Something I said. I speak for a living. There are professional victims out in the world just waiting for a chance to be offended and sue someone. I began wondering at the statute of limitations on that one. Can I still be sued for telling a Yankees fan that I was happy to see the Diamondbacks win the pennant? Or maybe it was that graduating class of attorneys who got angry with me for being "politically incorrect." I had told them that my ex-husband was Japanese. They were pretty incensed about that, since they knew for a fact that he was 'Asian-American.' Now here I had been with him ten years and he never told me! Who knew?

I called another number and discovered the case number referred to a civil case being heard in Superior Court. Maybe I was a witness. My mind went blank. I couldn't remember witnessing anything that exciting since I had moved to Phoenix.

So, I became my own seminar leader. It was time to make a list of everything I could think of where I was out of integrity: hurt feelings, unkept promises, actions that were legal but not really advisable. And I looked at rational explanations - I had changed mailing addresses- maybe a photo ticket or jury summons had not made it to my house. (My Law Enforcement sources debunked that one. "They will find you quickly on those. And they don't waste time with the Sheriff." Oh. Not a relief somehow.)

Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep. Although in retrospect, I highly recommend the exercise of looking at all your transgressions before someone else does. You have a fighting chance of cleaning some of that up. As H.L. Mencken once said, "Conscience is that inner voice that warns us somebody might be looking."

Morning came and I called the number again. No answer. I went about my morning half-heartedly. Trying to be brave and positive. After all - I teach people to be brave and positive. It worked, sort of. At 11 AM, 19 hours after receiving the card, I got the call.

"Oh. Did you just buy this house? Ever heard of Mr. [name removed to prevent further cards from being left on my door.]" I said no, I hadn't. The Sheriff said, "OK, well, he's pretty slippery. We've been chasing him through a lot of addresses. If you see him, call me."

"Sure. Not a problem. Call you right away."

Are you joking? I want to move my house to another street! Hey-this is like hotel rooms… when we move into a new place, we don't ever ever ever want to know that someone else has been there. We don't want to know their history or if they were not a nice person. Intellectually we know these things, but we don't want them driven home emotionally.

I went out and changed the locks. Then I proceeded to clean up that integrity list. Now, these essays are supposed to have a message. So, what's the moral? Let's try a few: It is never as bad as you think? Clean up your act before you get caught? Worry works? Always have friends in Law Enforcement? All of those work for me.

Now, don't sue me for saying this. I'm just happy that I'm OK and it is someone else they are after. And I think I will be verrrrry careful from here on out.

Beth